First published in Fast Company on 05.17.24

When I managed an entire team of young employees as a first-time leader, I had no idea my desire to be liked, my need for affirmation, and my discomfort with conflict were directly impacting company culture. It wasn’t until after the firm was acquired that I began to connect my people-pleasing tendencies and my efficacy as a leader.

For new managers leading people who were peers just yesterday, the experience can make anyone second-guess themselves. Instead of leaning into the likeability strategies we used to ensure our needs were met as kids, there are ways to course-correct in adulthood. Developing self-awareness and taking personal responsibility for our healing offers access to healthy relationships in all aspects of life, not just at work.

Here are five questions to help you determine if you’re a people-pleasing leader—and how to reframe these tendencies for your benefit and others.

DO YOU ATTEMPT TO EARN ATTENTION AND ACCEPTANCE THROUGH HELPING, RESCUING, OR FLATTERING?

For people pleasers, providing value to others to gain their approval is a common coping mechanism that often stems from formative experiences. Children learn from an early age that receiving love, attention, and belonging from caregivers is contingent upon certain behaviors. On the spectrum of attachment styles, this can create patterns of fawning behavior—such as, being incessantly helpful, fixing others’ problems, or dishing out compliments to desperately seek approval. People-pleasing leaders may unconsciously continue using those tactics in hopes of gaining acceptance, especially from those they manage.

The Reframe: Stanford lecturer Shirzad Chamine explains this “original survival function” as stemming from two assumptions that feed our worldview throughout our upbringing: One, that we must put others’ needs ahead of our own; and two, that we must give love and affection to get any back (we must earn it and are not simply worthy of it). When we understand that these young survival mechanisms set us up, as adults, to please, we can begin to untangle assumptions from reality—and work to embody that we are deserving of love for who we are, not what value we bring.

DO YOU RESENT WHEN A DIRECT REPORT DOESN’T APPRECIATE WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR THEM?

Resentment can build in people pleasers who believe those under their stewardship are selfish and unappreciative—although they would never express those sentiments for fear of rejection or loss of relationship. This resentment often stems from an unconscious transactional mindset—if I do this for you, you owe me gratitude and recognition. When that unspoken contract feels violated, people pleasers can internalize it as a personal rejection.

The Reframe: Awareness of this resentment allows you to gain deeper insight into the reality of the situation—you were helpful in part to gain approval, not purely out of care. Managing expectations and detaching from the need for appreciation can prevent resentment in the first place.

CAN YOU READ AND INTERPRET FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, TONALITY, AND BODY LANGUAGE?

Tending toward empathy, support, and positivity, people-pleasing leaders thrive when they experience belonging. However, the shadow traits of being able to read others can be self-serving if you subconsciously position yourself to be seen as genuine and caring.

The Reframe: If you grew up in a chaotic home environment, your survival may have relied on noticing what went said and unsaid. While those are helpful skills, they can also manipulate people into feeling fully seen, heard, and understood by you as their leader. Incredible self-awareness and integrity are needed to ensure you don’t exploit these skills for personal gain.

HAVE YOU EVER IDENTIFIED WITH MARTYR, RESCUER, AND/OR PEACEMAKER ARCHETYPES?

For people pleasers, the action orientation of compassion comes easily. When trauma remains unprocessed, your compassion for others can cause you to bleed out, metaphorically speaking. This is where you can fall into the trap of martyrdom and overextend yourself to your detriment, which inadvertently stresses those under your leadership. The same holds for those who get to feel needed when they come to the rescue of team members or get to keep the peace when conflict arises.

The Reframe: Ensuring that everyone else has what they need and feels supported is how people-pleasing leaders obtain a felt sense of safety—and an added bonus is being affirmed as the tireless hero who maintains harmony. Recognizing this tendency allows you to set boundaries and stick to them.

IS IT DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO GIVE AND RECEIVE FEEDBACK OR HOLD TEAM MEMBERS ACCOUNTABLE?

Communicating any feeling that could potentially jeopardize your belonging is likely off-limits because the risk is too great. Along the same lines, giving tough feedback or holding others accountable can feel like criticism that could lead to rejection.

The Reframe: Avoiding edgy conversations, such as ones that clearly communicate your observations and expectations, can create an environment of ambiguity where team members can never measure up to unknown success metrics. Learning to provide clear, compassionate feedback is essential if you want to lead effectively.

Ultimately, people-pleasing leaders are no more effective than those with a controlling style. Integration of past wounds can lead to healthier boundaries, more conscious communication, and empowerment of others through delegated responsibilities—not to mention, modeling these leadership behaviors for other emerging leaders. Actively engaging in personal transformation work to become a better leader will undoubtedly also influence the quality of your relationship with yourself and all those in your personal life. Win-win-win.